“I believe in America. America has made my fortune. And I raised my daughter in the American fashion. I gave her freedom, but I taught her never to dishonor her family.” -Amerigo Bonasera, to Don Corleone
The scene cuts from Don Vito Corleone’s dark and quiet office, so quiet you can hear the clock ticking and the cat purring in his lap, to a bright, loud, and chaotic wedding scene: hundreds of guests are dancing to folk music; arches full of little light bulbs decorate the yard, like the ones all over the paesi’s historic centres during feasts and festivals; the Corleone family is trying to take a family photo; to the side, you see the row of bridesmaids dressed in identical pink outfits; a man, Clemenza, stumbles on screen, asks Paulie for more wine and drinks it straight out of the plastic pitcher; the bride, Connie, Don Corleone’s daughter, collects cash filled envelopes - la busta - in a silk bag.
Often hailed as one of the best opening scenes in cinematic history,1 I’m interested for its (some would say stereotypical) portrayal of the “big Italian wedding.” Especially in conversation with the movie’s opening line by Bonasera, quoted above. Because, as many practices and traditions in diaspora, the “Italian wedding” as we know it in North America does not exist in Italy. It has come about through the evolution of local practices, from Italian realities, to the new contexts they faced after leaving.
In today’s Crivello, I’ve got weddings on my mind. Particularly, the intersection between the food and traditions of the past (in Molise), and those of the present (in Montreal, Canada, the US), to understand how the “big Italian wedding” came to be, as a response to immigration and adaptation.
Roots of the “Italian” wedding
Italian wedding traditions are many and varied. As with many other things, like cuisine, practices are linked to local realities. Since Molise is in the south, I’ve focused my research on traditions in the surrounding regions. In his study of kinship and family ties in Tramonti, a town in Campania, Carlo Capello explains:
Within the community, everyday life is centred on kinship, neighbourhood and friendship relations which tend to interlace because of the small number of inhabitants, of the high level of local endogamy2 and of the strong tendency among related households to live close to each other.3
These ties are celebrated and cultivated through events like weddings.4 In these small, rural contexts, rituals around wedding preparation and celebration have often involved the wider community, beyond just immediate family. We can see the origins of some of the “big Italian wedding” traditions here:5
Reception parties the morning of the wedding: guests meet at the homes of the betrotheds’ parents to share a toast and have some pastries/snacks before the ceremony
Serenades outside the brides’ house the night before the wedding: not everyone does this anymore, but some hire musicians to recreate this practice (my dad has even played accordeon for many friends and family the night before/morning of the wedding!)
Decorating cars/the caravan of cars honking their way to church
Lots of food
Offering confetti and bomboniere to guests6
Other place-specific practices include:
In parts of Basilicata, there are various traditions around trees, which symbolize endurance. In one, the married couple dance around a tree three times.
In Calabria, a girl’s mother and grandmothers will collect linens throughout their lives to gift her on her wedding day. On the night of the wedding, all the women of the house prepare the “marriage bed.”
Food traditions throughout Sicilia include pouring wine in front of the betrotheds’ future house and throwing rice or wheat on the newlyweds.
In Sardegna, there is a ritual to break a dish filled with rice, wheat, salt, coins, and rose petals over the newlyweds, letting the items fall over them, symbolizing abundance, wisdom, wealth, and love.7
And common practice throughout was the preparation of a dowry: “Dowry and virtue were the most important ‘commodities’ sought by prospective grooms in the selection of a bride.”8 I won’t get into the whole history of dowries here, but they’re important to note because they were at the heart of the marriage contract when it was, in fact, a secular practice.9 In Italian contexts, the transfer of property later became part of the other more eleborate folkloric and religious rituals, until the dowry tradition was abolished in 1968.
So, at the time of mass post-WWII emigration, regional and local wedding conventions were both contractual ceremonies between two families and celebrations of kinship between all community members.
Alla molisana
Back in 2020, as I was doing phone interviews for Dalla valigia alla tavola, I got to speak with Lucia Ciamarra, who came to Canada from Duronia, a comune in Campobasso, Molise, in 1957. Rather than submit a recipe to the cookbook, she actually shared the traditional wedding menu from her hometown. The exact menu her nonna prepared for one of her relatives, and that had been prepared for many other couples in the community.
While she spoke about Duronia specifically, aspects of these traditions were practiced in many towns and villages in Molise and throughout Italy (you’ll see some similarities with the traditions mentioned above). It's important to note that not all families celebrated weddings in the exact same way because not everyone had access to the same things. Meat, for example, was very expensive. Even those who had animals did not usually have enough to feed a wedding party. There would be infinite variations of these meals and traditions, though it was important to find a way to make due and honour these practices, even with very little.
Before the wedding
A few weeks before the wedding, with the help of her sisters or cousins, the bride-to-be would visit her relatives and soon to be in-laws carrying a large basket filled with traditional sweets (nocché and scr'pelle). She would offer these up along with the invitation to the wedding. Nocché and scr'pelle are both fried sweets and would have been prepared the day before by the bride-to-be and a group of her family and friends.10
Then, as the wedding approached, there was a series of ceremonial events that would take place in the seven to eight days leading up to it. The groom's family would visit the bride's family home and serenade her with a traditional song called "La Partenza" - the departure. Meanwhile, the bride would pretend to hide while the groom looked for her throughout the house. That night, the two families would eat and dance together to the sound of the organetto.
A few days later, the ceremony for the dote - the dowry - would take place. The fathers would meet and make a list of what the bride was bringing over to the groom's house, as she would go live with his family after the wedding. Dowries would include bedsheets, towels, and furniture. The amount would depend on what the family was able to afford. As part of the tradition, family and friends could also go see what was going into the bride's dowry.
The transfer was organized like a procession. Starting with the smallest goods, the bride's nieces and nephews, or other children from the family, would carry baskets from her house to the groom's. The whole family would help bring the dowry over, with the last items in the procession being the furniture. The procession would be accompanied by music and singing, and would end in another small party at the groom's house.
The wedding day
After the religious ceremony, the wedding reception would be held at the house. Each room would be emptied to host the guests. Though, as I mentioned, the menu could have varied depending on what the family could afford, it always included homemade wine and cured meats.
Antipasto
Small pieces of Prosciutto, sweet caciocavallo, spicy caciocavallo, and soppressata (homemade salami marinated in oil reserved for special occasions)
Zuppa (Soup)
Spezzato (This is the duroniese variation of the classic Molisan egg drop soups. Made with broth and a protein, whether veal, chicken, or lamb in the form of meatballs, shredded, or whole chops, their identifying feature is the egg and cheese mixture that is cooked in the boiling liquid before serving.)
Primo (Pasta)
Pasta with ragù (prepared with lamb)
Secondo (Meat)
Lamb and sausages cooked “sotto la coppa” served with seasonal vegetables and potatoes
Dolci (Desserts)
Nocché and scr’pelle
After the meal, everyone would dance la zemparella (the name for the traditional tarantella in the duroniese dialect) and sing along to the organetto.
As I listened to Lucia, I pictured these scenes in my mind, imagining all the noise echoing through and processions going up and down the narrow, winding streets of these mountain towns. How all these cultural practices had their own codes and served their own purposes in the legal, religious, and folkloric ceremonies around marriage. And how they also cemented gender roles, class distinctions, and kinship ties in these very local, micro contexts.
Like the dowries, I imagine all these things being packaged up and brought across oceans, in the hands of each family member a different vision, purpose, fear, hope for what this milestone could bring. What this move could mean. And how to unpack all these precious, and sometimes problematic, items in their new homes.
La partenza
“I understand. You found paradise in America, you had a good trade, made a good living.” -Don Corleone to Amerigo Bonasera
Early immigrants celebrated “toned-down” versions of the typical weddings back in the paese. Often, renting out church halls/basements or community centres, as they were the cheapest options. Tony Traficante recalls these “basic, simple celebrations” as “neither elaborate not fancy, but delightful and unique.”11 Like in Duronia, preparation would start weeks in advance: family and neighbours helped make cookies and decorate for the big day. The reception meal he describes is simple, with panini and homemade wine.
This is the moment between the departure and “making it…” to the “big Italian wedding.” Though this study focused on Greek and Italian communities in Australia, there was a similar pattern here in North America:
In the context of migration, the concept of the appraisal of the trousseau or the display of the dowry gradually underwent modifications. In Australia, it was no longer the number of sheets and the embroidery that delineated the standing of the family, as this function shifted to the show and the expense incurred for the wedding celebration itself.12
And so, like Bonasera, the future generations were raised in, accustomed to “the American fashion.” With more opportunities, more financial and social freedom. But never at the expense of family and community.
They struggled to find their place in this country, to find work, to start a family, and to overcome intolerance. They held on to the belief that they had made the right decision, and the harder it got, the tighter they held. Unfortunately, by the time most of them could enjoy the fruits of their labour, their prime had come and gone. But their children could live the better life. Naturally, the wedding became the right time and the right place to acknowledge and celebrate everything. It became their chance to thank the friends who fed them, sheltered them, and employed them. It became their chance to say to their children, “This was for you.” It became their chance to say to those who had doubted their decisions, “I made it.”13
The “big Italian wedding” in our collective imagination is an amalgamation of practices from the past and dreams for the future. The guests are no longer all the town’s paesani, but still a solid 300 kin. We still build up the anticipation weeks ahead with showers and bachelor(ette) parties. The guests are still constantly eating any moment there are five minutes of downtime.
Speaking of eating, the reception was back to a multi-course meal. Staples that come and go include a duo di pasta (some combination of a tomato sauce pasta, a stuffed pasta, and a white pasta, usually with sausage and rapini), salad, steak or some kind of chop, and sweet table at midnight. Open bar is a must. For the antipasto, I have witnessed multiple trends in my lifetime:
Prosciutto e melone plate, which included a slice of cantaloupe wrapped in prosciutto, pickled veggies, olives, mozzarella, and some cold cuts
International buffet 1.0, which had multiple “stations,” including fried things, cold cuts, cheeses, pickled and grilled veggies, etc. Imagine a dance-floor sized charcuterie board
International buffet 2.0, which had all the classic IB items, plus sushi, various seafood and shellfish, and sparkling rosé
Some dessert trends I’ve seen over the decades include:
Spumoni, a gelato cake, usually with candied fruit
Rolled crêpes stuffed with vanilla ice cream and drizzled with strawberry sauce
The giant profiterol era
Sheet cake with buttercream
Either way, the menu we’ve all collectively decided is the one for “big Italian weddings” at the moment will defeat you in the end. It is, at the end of the day, very cliché Italian.
But we also throw the garter and the bouquet and have elaborate multi-tier cakes, which come from British and French traditions.
And so the beast we’ve created is really our own: a reflection of life between the hyphen (Italian-Canadian, Italian-American, etc.). Is it all too much? Maybe and probably. But you can’t deny that it’s fun af.
Cass
See below for monthly tarot pull, footnotes, and resource list.
Monthly Tarot Read
Each issue will include a tarot pull reflecting on the research and folklore discussed in the newsletter.
Both the background and foreground of the two of pentacles show a duality. Solid ground, rough seas. Precarity (juggling, standing on one foot), and security (the band that keeps the two pentacles together). On a surface level, this a card about balance and perseverence through struggle, which I think resonates with a lot of the underlying themes here: the desire those who emigrated from Italy felt - and feel - to “make it” and be able to provide stability to their children as a reward for the sacrifices. But while the stormy sea behind the juggler seems distant (like the past), it continues to weigh on the present. And the future. The realities our ancestors - both those who have passed and those who are still here - faced become part of us in deep, sometimes unseen ways. The baggage that was unpacked here lingers in the corners of our rooms, the areas we don’t always remember to dust off. For many of us, we continue to walk the line between “freedom” and “never dishonouring our family.”
I attended a poetry reading the other day and a line in a poem by Melissa Giacomini (I’m sorry, I don’t remember the title!) spoke to the burden of: “I did this for you.” I did this for you so that you can be better than me. The beauty and selflessness of the sacrifice also comes with a caveat; the freedom to do and be anything comes with expectations. Sometimes unspoken, sometimes - it feels - impossible. Because you have in you the same urgency to be better, do more, go higher. An inherited need to “make it,” even though it is starting to get harder and harder to see where we’re supposed to make it to. The lesson in this card, though, is that you can’t juggle forever. And, in fact, because they’re tied together, you have to stop juggling both pentacles and take stock. What is it that you want to create in this world? What do you want to leave for future generations?
Here are some opinions: by David A. Lynch; Hansol Jung; Leon Miller; Industrial Scripts.
Meaning “marriage within one's own family, clan, or cultural group.”
Carlo Capello, “Southern Italy’s Double Face: A Critical Reflection,” Journal of Mediterranean Studies, Volume 22, Number 2, 2013: 387.
Ibid., 396.
Laura Papavero, “My Big Fat Southern Italian Wedding: Traditions,” Medium, August 12, 2023, https://papaverolaura.medium.com/my-big-fat-southern-italian-wedding-traditions-9167219d6251; and “Five Southern Italian Wedding Traditions,” My Bella Vita Travel, January 15, 2010, https://mybellavita.com/five-southern-italian-wedding-traditions/.
Confetti are candy-coated almonds. According to tradition, each guest should receive 5 confetti as a wedding favour, symbolizing the gifts of health, fertility, longevity, happiness, and wealth for the married couple (source). They should be white, the colour used for all sacraments. Other colours can be used as favours for different occasions. For example: green for an engagement or a 40th anniversary, red for graduation, silver for a 25th anniversary, etc. (source). Bomboniere are wedding favours, usually a little trinket given to each guest along with the confetti. Recently, however, the practice of giving the confetti has fallen out of the mainstream. Sometimes, they will simply be included at the sweet table rather than with the bomboniere.
Maria Palakgtsoglou, Daniela Cosmini-Rose, Diana Glenn, Eric Bouvet, ““Tales of glory boxes, suitcases and dreams: An investigation of cultural and social changes in the dowry practices of Greek and Italian post-war migrants in South Australia,” Crisis, Criticism and Critique in Contemporary Greek Studies, Vol. 16–17, A, 2013: 215.
“Marriage was originally a secular custom. [In Ancient Greece, and in particular in the City State of Athens], marriage was a contract between the bride’s father and the groom” (Ibid., 221).
Nocché would also be traditionally prepared for Carnevale, whereas scr'pelle would be eaten on Christmas, too.
Tony Traficante, “Here Comes the Neighborhood—Italian Wedding Receptions of the Past,” August 10, 2019, https://orderisda.org/culture/old-school/here-comes-the-neighborhood-an-italian-wedding-reception-of-the-past/.
Maria Palakgtsoglou, Daniela Cosmini-Rose, Diana Glenn, Eric Bouvet, 230.
Andrew de Angelis, “Going to the Chapel,” Accenti Magazine, October 26, 2006, https://accenti.ca/going-to-the-chapel/.
Resources
“All the Secrets of South Italian Weddings,” https://italy-my-way.com/all-the-secrets-of-south-italian-weddings/.
Andrew de Angelis, “Going to the Chapel,” Accenti Magazine, October 26, 2006, https://accenti.ca/going-to-the-chapel/.
Carlo Capello, “Southern Italy’s Double Face: A Critical Reflection,” Journal of Mediterranean Studies, Volume 22, Number 2, 2013.
“Confetti matrimonio: storia e significato,” Sposae, April 15, 2017, https://www.sposae.com/blog/2017/04/15/confetti-matrimonio-storia-e-significato/.
“Five Southern Italian Wedding Traditions,” My Bella Vita Travel, January 15, 2010, https://mybellavita.com/five-southern-italian-wedding-traditions/.
Laura Papavero, “My Big Fat Southern Italian Wedding: Traditions,” Medium, August 12, 2023, https://papaverolaura.medium.com/my-big-fat-southern-italian-wedding-traditions-9167219d6251.
Maria Palakgtsoglou, Daniela Cosmini-Rose, Diana Glenn, Eric Bouvet, ““Tales of glory boxes, suitcases and dreams: An investigation of cultural and social changes in the dowry practices of Greek and Italian post-war migrants in South Australia,” Crisis, Criticism and Critique in Contemporary Greek Studies, Vol. 16–17, A, 2013.
Tony Traficante, “Here Comes the Neighborhood—Italian Wedding Receptions of the Past,” August 10, 2019, https://orderisda.org/culture/old-school/here-comes-the-neighborhood-an-italian-wedding-reception-of-the-past/.
“Top 20 Signs You’re at an Italian-American Wedding 🇮🇹 💍,” Hardcore Italians, July 16, 2020, https://hardcoreitalians.blog/2020/07/16/top-19-signs-youre-at-an-italian-american-wedding-%F0%9F%87%AE%F0%9F%87%B9-%F0%9F%92%8D/.